We live in a world that is all about instant gratification– be it ordering things online or getting instant responses to messages. Even the love stories that are often portrayed to us whether through films, series, or books are about love at first sight and whirlwind romances, with sparks flying everywhere the moment one meets a potential partner. This influences people to think that that’s how love is supposed to be– fast-paced and quick to lead one to the altar. However, such rapidly moving relationships often fizzle out just as quickly as they started, thus leading to heartbreaks. And so, in an age where people are constantly being fed stories of love at first sight and most people are swiping left and right on dating apps hoping to find true love, a few others are ditching this concept entirely. They are allowing love to grow organically over some time instead of rushing into relationships. This concept is called a slow-burn relationship, and it might feel refreshing to those who are tired of searching for love in a hopeless place.
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What is a slow-burn relationship?
The term ‘slow-burn relationship’ became popular on TikTok. As the name suggests, it’s all about taking things slow in a relationship and letting one’s feelings grow over a period of time– without forcing the timing.
Slow burn relationship is something that starts gradually and develops over time, rather than having a jump start based on attraction
Dr Swetha Gullapalli, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist at Aasra Clinic- Hyderabad, told us.
However, one must not interpret a lack of interest, ghosting, or being friend-zoned by a potential partner as a slow-burn relationship. To help one understand it better, here we list some signs of a slow-burn relationship:
1. Patience
Both people involved in a slow-burn relationship are willing to let their connection progress organically without rushing for labels or commitments very early on in their dating and getting-to-know stages.
2. Clarity
However, this doesn’t mean that the people involved in such relationships are in the dark about where they stand or where their relationship is headed. Instead, one or both people in such relationships often make their intentions pretty clear to be on the same page. If not love, they can at least let their potential partner know that they are interested to know them better as a person. They let their potential partner know that they are romantically interested in them but would like to take things slow and let their relationship grow naturally.
3. Mutual respect
Slow-burn relationships have a strong emphasis on understanding and valuing each other as individuals. This lays a strong foundation to build their relationship over time.
4. Emotional depth
These relationships often lead to deep emotional intimacy, as people in such relationships have ample time to be their true selves and share their thoughts, fears, and dreams.
5. They have “a spark”, although small
While slow-burn relationships are based on friendship and understanding, one needs to feel the initial ‘spark’– even if minute– in their connection to take the relationship ahead.
Who should opt for slow-burn relationships?
Well, simply put– some people take more time to catch feelings and fall in love than others, and slow-burn relationships seem suitable for them. Also, people who have experienced love bombing and the all-consuming love which ultimately leads to heartbreaks would want to change their dating patterns and give slow-burning relationships a try.
However, some slow-burn relationships develop at their own pace due to various factors. For instance: Maybe when a couple first met through mutual friends they were in separate relationships and hence didn’t date each other; however, when they reconnect years later, they were both single and know each other enough to be in a relationship now. Or maybe two people started as friends but developed feelings for each other over some time and decided to give their relationship a chance. Sometimes, slow-burn relationships also happen due to external factors like one’s job or family circumstance which relocates them to another place for a few months and they don’t have the chance to see where their connection would have gone. They stay friends and reconnect as lovers when in the same city.
‘Pride & Prejudice’: Based on Jane Austen’s 1813 novel, this one is another classic which circles around Elizabeth Bennet and her relationship with rich, snobbish and single Mr Darcy. Directed by Joe Wright, the film stars Keira Knightley, Matthew Macfadyen and Rosamund Pike.
Some examples of slow-burn relationships in pop culture and our society include: Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in ‘Pride and Prejudice’, the film ‘When Harry Met Sally‘, and Ross and Rachel from ‘FRIENDS’. In fact, Former US President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle Obama‘s relationship also began as colleagues; it was later that love slowly blossomed between the two and they are now one of the most admired couples in contemporary times. Tulsi Gabbard, who is the first-ever Hindu-American to become the Director of US National Intelligence, also met her now husband Abraham Williams back in 2012. But they lost touch and started dating 1.5 years later after reconnecting at a birthday party.
READ MORE: Who is Tulsi Gabbard’s husband and what is their love story
Why slow-burn relationships are worth the wait
A slow-burn relationship is like tending to a garden; it takes time, perseverance, and patience to succeed in it. But just like it’s quite rewarding to see flowers bloom in a garden after a lot of hard work, slow-burning relationships too are worth the wait! These relationships are based on friendship and understanding, while romance unfolds gradually. However, when two people truly understand each other and decide to commit to a deeper bond, it leads to a beautiful relationship.
For a generation, who is more impatient and less tolerant of mistakes, this way of dealing with relationships can help one with being aware of what they would bring to the table and learn to be patient in relationships. It sets the tone of what to expect from another person clearly
Dr Swetha Gullapalli
She added,
A slow-burn relationship can establish confidence, stability and a healthy emotional dependence between the couple. It also helps to establish realistic expectations from one another person in the relationship.
Dr Swetha Gullapalli
And so, a slow-burn relationship might give one the initial butterflies in the stomach as in the case of having love at first sight. But once that small spark grows into a full-blown flame, it is worth waiting for.
What if slow-burn relationships are not for you: How to know?
While it is important to know if you would give slow-burn relationships a chance, it is equally important to know if it is not working for you. How? Well, just like sparks too need some oxygen to help it grow into a flame, slow-burn relationships too need to develop over time. Even after say five meetings with a potential partner whom you are meeting with the intention of dating, if you don’t feel anything special for them– be it emotionally or physically– then maybe the relationship is not meant to be. Another sign of a slow-burn relationship not working out is when you or your potential partner don’t make the next plan to meet or are sceptical of meeting each others’ friends. This shows that the connection lacks development over time– which is much needed for a relationship to flourish.
Speaking of the cons of slow-burn relationships,
It needs both the partners to be patient and it is a work in progress. And so, it may not be suitable for those who need quick results in their love life.
Dr Swetha Gullapalli said.
So, should you opt for a slow-burn relationship? Or, is it time to commit to your partner in a slow-burn relationship? Well, it is aptly said, ‘When you’re in love, you simply know’… As love is always right.
